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Inside the House

July 2, 2010

Submitted by billie on July 6, 2010 - 8:45am

Hello, my friends. Sorry that I am late sending my blog, but I've been busier this week then usual.  I promise to have it in by Monday night.  In a way, I am glad I forgot, because I can tell you my experiences from Friday.  Please note that it is important for me to do my blog.  It is a chance to express my feelings and emotions from the previous week.  Some people think that I expose to much of myself in my blog.  I feel this a permanent record of my life, my experiences and growth.  I keep a hard copy of my blog and it has become my journal. It seems like I have a lot to share with you this week, but in reality, I have a lot to tell myself.  I need to document my experiences.

 
In the last month or so, after fighting with the system for more then 4 years, I have been awarded some financial security.  I was elated.  Finally I felt that I would be able to take care of my finances, be responsible for my past and current debts and have a little financial freedom.  But this week I found out that this new found freedom was just an illusion.  As the system had rewarded me with new benefits, they had taken away my old benefits.  I knew there would be some changes, some adjustments to my financial responsibilities, but a letter I received this week confirmed just how much.  The system will no longer support my physical or mental needs. All this responsibility falls on me now.  I am devastated.  After careful calculating my award, I can see myself deeper in debt, poorer then I was before I received the award.  Needless to say, the elation is gone.
 
This week I have been frantically seeing my doctors and therapist.  Having all my prescriptions filled and rescheduling my appointments.  I had to reschedule all my appointments from August to July, because my benefits will expire on July 31, 2010.
 
Also this week I have fallen into a deep depression.  At times I have been manic.  Faced with this new challenge, it seems that my medication is not working.  I have been experiencing sleeplessness and when I do sleep, I have strange and fitful dreams.  It seems as if I have stepped back into a time when I had no physical or mental stability.  I feel hopeless and lost.
 
On Friday, while visiting my doctor he diagnosed me with diabetes, stating that I must check my blood sugar 3 times a day.  He gave me a prescription for pills and a meter, but no blood strips.  When I went to the pharmacy to have the prescription filled, I was told that the blood strips would cost $125 for a month's supply.  A new expense I can not afford.  What can I do now?
 
It is Saturday morning and as I am writing this blog I am setting at my daugther's kitchen table smoking cigarettes.  I am very depressed.  Even the chatter and cheerfulness of my grandchildren has not lifted my spirits.  I've been thinking about increasing my medication but I don't think I will without my doctor's orders.  I'll call for an appointment next week.  But for now, I'll try to control my emotions and the stress.
 
I know this is a very long blog, but I needed to put pen to paper and record this past week.  Maybe it will spark a tiny bit of hope that will give me the encouragement I need to face this new challenge.